Listen to What Your Heart Says by Journaling
If you’ve been reading my essays for awhile, you might be aware that I am a Type A recovering perfectionist. You might be one too. Welcome to the club! I did a lot of work to release myself from perfectionism. It took time, many tears, therapy, and lots of journaling.
For me, perfectionism lead to numbing as a way to handle my anxiety. If I stayed numb, I didn’t have to feel the feelings related to not being perfect but feeling like I needed to be. That failure and shame was a lot to manage, so instead I chose to stay numb. I used food, sex, alcohol, and staying busy to keep from feeling.
Of course this wasn’t sustainable.
I finally set down the 20 ton armor of perfectionism (as Brene Brown calls it) when I was 40 when I realized the story I was telling myself. At its core, I felt I needed to be perfect to be worthy of love. I wasn’t loveable unless I was perfect. When I realized that this wasn’t actually true, I immediately felt lighter, physically lighter. I was able to let go of decades of false beliefs and embrace my amazingly imperfect self.
I still fall back on numbing techniques when things get overwhelming. Sometimes I need to shut down for a bit, since I’m an introvert and I “people” all day long, between teaching yoga and seeing acupuncture patients. I love what I do, but sometimes I need to recharge my internal batteries.
I often turn to playing games on my phone or binge watching something. I know I’m avoiding my feelings when I have spent multiple hours playing games on my phone. I wrote about my relationship with that here:
Non-Attachment taught to me by my Phone
Journaling as a way through
One technique that has gotten me through hard times has been journaling. I’ve been journaling since I was 10, as I wrote about here , here, and here. There are many ways to journal which I describe in detail in those linked posts.
What I love most about journaling is that it’s just for me. There is power in putting pen to paper to see what comes out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve surprised myself with what comes out. Feelings that I wasn’t aware of, the feelings beneath the feelings, and the stories behind them. When you let go and let your pen flow, you can get to the bottom of whatever is on your mind and in your heart.
This is not essay writing, this is stream-of-consciousness. As soon as you start thinking and planning, it’s over. The idea is to not plan. I often say,
“Don’t think, just write.”
I have written bullet points, poetry, and random lines of nonsense. Sometimes what comes out contains deep wisdom from my heart or the Universe. Other times it’s fears from my younger selves who were doing their best to help me survive my childhood. Their vigilance got me through, but their belief system no longer serves me.
As an adult, I no longer need the validation and approval I craved and rarely got as a child. I now believe in myself (most of the time). During meditation earlier this week, I was feeling a bit low and wasn’t sure why. I started repeating the following mantra to myself:
I am strong
I am powerful
I am creative
I am wise
I repeated this over and over to myself as I sat and noticed the sensation I felt in my heart center. I had been numbing myself rather than feeling my feelings. Sitting to feel my feelings was step one. Step two was journaling.
Get in your body, then write
Once I started, the words just tumbled out onto the page. I ended up writing a couple of pages without even trying. I started by writing how I felt physically, and that lead to what drove the feeling emotionally.
Many times I feel the sensation in my body but I’m not sure what it means. I spent decades disconnected from my feelings, so sometimes, if I’m having big feelings, I shut down. In that shut down place I tend to numb rather than get curious. If I can get curious about what I’m feeling, I get underneath the shut down to what is actually happening.
Journaling helps me connect to what I feel so that I understand it better. When I understand what I’m feeling, the feeling goes away. Emotions are information. They are trying to tell you something. When they deliver their message to you, they go away. If you suppress or numb the feeling, it gets bigger until you deal with it. Ask me how I know…
Journal prompts
If you have trouble letting go to write stream-of-consciousness, it helps to have a journal prompt. This short sentence fragment or question gets you going. I will sometimes pose a question like “what is this feeling trying to tell me?” Letter writing is something I like too. I might write to someone I am struggling with, or to my younger self. I might write a letter to myself from my anger, my anxiety, or from Universal Love.
The letter writing comes to me from a different voice in my head and often reveals things to me of which I was unaware. When my anger or anxiety speaks to me through my pen it’s often in a different voice than when I write to myself. I can’t explain it, but it’s fascinating to observe. Give it a try, see what happens! The prompts I give myself would be
“Dear Anger, what would you have me know today?” Or Dear Anxiety, Dear Love, Dear Fear, Dear 5 Year Old Janine, etc. I love writing to myself from my younger selves. They contain so much wisdom in their little selves. I’m always amazed.
Journaling in community
The 4th Sunday of each month I run an online group called Sangha Sundays where we explore different topics that encourage growth and understanding of ourselves. I send out journal prompts to give you things to think about through the month that we then discuss when we meet online. I usually give 3-5 prompts related to that month’s topic. This month the focus is on practicing Mindfulness and allowing the moment to be as it is. The journal prompts relate to that practice. Click the link below to learn more!
When I run my retreats, we journal together often after meditation to help us process the experience. Whether it’s a book club retreat or my annual Summer retreat, journaling is a tool to help you get to know yourself better, to let go of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve you, and feel supported by the community. My next retreat is August 21-24, 2026 in Plainfield, MA. Click the link below for more information or to sign up! I have 2 scholarships available, apply by June 30!
