To feel less alone, you must first look inward
In order to find deep connection with others, start by connecting to yourself
One of the unskillful coping strategies I acquired in my childhood, along with perfectionism, was disconnection and numbing. I had big feelings that the adults in my life were ill equipped to handle, so I learned to make myself smaller. I numbed myself initially with tv and food, eventually with alcohol, sex, and staying busy. If I kept moving, I didn’t have time to feel.
I felt alone, unwanted, and like I didn’t matter. I tried to be as perfect as possible in order to earn love and my own worth. Always striving, pushing myself, and feeling like a failure. Of course I didn’t know that ‘s what I was doing back then. I was steeped in anxiety and self-loathing, although you’d never know to look at me.
I got married at age 24 to a man who showed up for me. He was exactly what I needed back then, someone who cared and made me a priority. But we lead parallel lives. Although we lived together and spent time together, I was (and am) deeply independent. Another “skill” that I acquired as a child. If I had a need, I met it. I couldn’t ask for help or reach out, since that would mean that I wasn’t perfect. Something that, at the time, was deeply not okay.
That feeling of being alone never left. I could distract myself from it (and I did), but it was always there, whispering at me from the corners of my heart. I could be surrounded by other people, and feel utterly alone, small, and isolated within myself.
Not showing up as myself
As a perfectionist, I spent the first two thirds of my life feeling the need to be perfect. Who I was wasn’t good enough. She didn’t deserve love with all of her flaws, her big feelings, her messiness. She needed to be better or no one would love her.
That was my belief for so many years.
This belief held me back from making friendships. I had lots of friends, but I didn’t let anyone get too close. Very few people knew the real me. They knew the quiet, sweet, accommodating girl who was a great listener. She never asked anyone to play with her for fear of rejection. She would happily play with others when they asked, but when they were busy, she was all alone.
The noticing
Years later, I began practicing meditation in a weekly class with an experienced and skilled teacher. Meditation forced me to stop moving and be still. In that stillness all the feelings that I had been ignoring bubbled to the surface. Feelings of grief, loneliness, more grief. It was like a dragon had been hoarding my grief for decades and suddenly I stumbled upon it in a cave. The cave of my heart.
The feelings that came up were overwhelming at first, but through the guidance of my teacher, I was able to feel them and let them pass. With complete safety and without judgment, she held space for my tears. The relief I felt afterward was palpable and profound. After years of holding back my feelings for dear life, when I finally felt them and let them go, I could exhale.
I realized that I felt alone because I was disconnected from myself. I didn’t need other people to fill that void, I desperately needed myself. Allowing myself to exist in my life, no masks, no hiding, no needing to be perfect, was what allowed me to connect to myself. It later allowed me to cultivate deep connections with others.
Meditation shifted the stories
The more I practiced meditation, the more I got to know myself. I learned that what I saw as my flaws were what made me uniquely who I am. The stories that I told myself weren’t true. I was loveable just as I was. I didn’t need to be perfect. If I sent an email that had typos, the world didn’t collapse. If I misspoke, I could correct myself and not die. I could make mistakes and then repair them.
Meditation taught me to notice the thoughts in my head rather than corroborate them. It’s amazing how many lies we tell ourselves that we believe are true. Lies about our body, our feelings, our worth. We believe these lies because someone along the way told us they were true. Someone who didn’t understand us, didn’t get us, who wanted us small because of their own feelings. These were not our stories to own. These are not your stories to own.
Meditation creates space in your mind and heart so that you can hear the stories that run in the background. The stories that guide your actions but might be leading you in the wrong direction. When you find the space between your thoughts, you can step back and notice them as untrue.
You begin to cultivate new stories that support you instead of tear you down. Stories that build you up and make you feel good about yourself. You let go of comparison and embrace who you are. Once you’ve found this love and connection for/with yourself, you can be vulnerable to connect to others.
The real me sees the real you
When you own who you are, that’s the you that shows up every day. No hiding, authentically you, with all of your flaws and all of your beauty. All of your weaknesses, and all of your strength. Your heart full of feelings, your mind full of knowing, your body, just as it is.
When my full self sees your full self, we build real connection. No judgments, no criticisms, only the acceptance of who I am and who you are. Vulnerability is what allows for connection. When you shut down or mask yourself, you can’t be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, you need to be you.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper or more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” ~Brene Brown*
*From Vulnerability is the Path by Brene Brown
Finding your people
Not everyone will be your people. In fact, many people who were your people might no longer fit with your true self. The people pleasing perfect you that you showed the world was who they knew and liked. They may only want that version of you because it served them well. However this may no longer work for you. There will be some loss, some shifting, some grief. But then you’ll feel the opening to find your people.
Your people will feel attracted to the person that you are. Like a magnet. You will find them because you show up as yourself. My current partner came into my life when I was ready for him. I had worked on myself, and so had he. He accepts me just as I am, imperfections and all. He showed up because I showed up. We were ready for each other.
Yoga and meditation allow you to explore who you are in a safe space. Yoga teaches you to be who you are and work from there. On the mat, you move your body and meet yourself where you are.
With the body that you have.
With the heart that you have.
You show up, sweaty and messy, and practice, just as you are.
Yoga retreats for deeper connection with yourself
Yoga retreats give you more time to dive into these concepts in a safe supportive space. Each yoga practice drops you deeper into yourself. Normally you take a yoga class then go back to your life, returning to all the normal stressors and responsibilities.
On retreat, there is no stress. You are only responsible for yourself. Your meals and activities are taken care of, all you need to do is be. Each yoga practice builds on the one before. Each meditation practice drops you into a quieter space in your mind and heart. You get to explore your stories with people who have been where you are, and are going where you are going.
Imagine spending three days practicing yoga and meditation, going for walks in the woods, eating nourishing delicious food that you don’t need to prepare (or clean up after), and spending time with open hearted, accepting people who want to hear your story.
Retreats build connection with others, and connection with yourself. You leave feeling refreshed, restored, and deeply grounded in who you are.
Upcoming Yoga and Meditation Retreats
August 21-24, 2026 in Plainfield, MA— a three-day weekend to explore yoga, mediation, connecting with nature in Western Massachusetts, and restoring yourself to factory settings.
March 28-April 3, 2027 in Guatemala—discover Guatemala through a journey that blends yoga, culture, and meaningful local experiences. From the serene volcanic shores of Lake Atitlan to the cobblestone streets of Antigua, this seven day experience is designed to ground, inspire, and expand your perspective.
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