Staying Authentic with Your Discomfort When someone Else Struggles

One of my skills as a healthcare provider (acupuncturist) is my ability to help people with their problems. Sometimes the problems are physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes both. People come to me for support and I give it to them to the best of my abilities.

When it comes to personal relationships, however, not every problem is mine to fix. In fact most times it’s not. When a loved one is struggling with something, I feel a certain amount of discomfort. I love them, I don’t want them to hurt. But, fixing their problem is not the answer. Sometimes they just want me to sit with them in the dark.

This description of empathy by Brene Brown illustrates that point:

Connection through managing discomfort

The compulsion to fix other people’s problems, for me, stems from an early inability to sit with my own discomfort. This is still something I work at, and it takes work. Most addictions begin with a desire to not feel what you’re feeling, and instead to feel temporarily good, or simply numb.

Going through life numb or high gets in the way of building connection with others, and leaves you feeling isolated and alone. I’ve been there. Being able to sit with your own discomfort not only keeps you from going numb, but allows you to connect with your loved ones.

It takes practice to sit with discomfort, and the good news is that the discomfort is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Understanding emotional discomfort

Emotional discomfort, like stress, grief, anxiety, or overwhelm feels horrible. Your lizard brain thinks that you’ll feel like this forever so you try to discharge the discomfort. Maybe you yell at someone, or eat your feelings. Unfortunately this doesn’t work.

All emotions are true, even if the stories behind them aren’t. What you feel is real and shouldn’t be discounted or ignored. In fact, when you ignore your feelings, by staying busy or numbing for example, they usually grow. They are trying to get your attention and they keep getting bigger until you pay attention.

Emotions are information, they aren’t good or bad. They may be comfortable, like love or joy, or uncomfortable like fear or anxiety, but that doesn’t make them good or bad. They are trying to tell you something.

Managing emotional discomfort

Emotions are like a campfire. If you keep feeding them your stories, like wood, they will keep burning. If instead you simply watch them, noticing them without feeding them, eventually they die out and dissipate.

One of my meditation teachers said that no emotion can last at its peak for more than 90 seconds unless you feed it. If you can breathe and feel it, it will eventually pass. Giving it space to exist without trying to push it down or away allows you to acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

This is one of the benefits of practicing meditation. When you sit still and observe what your body, mind, and heart are telling you, you can release all sorts of unnecessary stories that keep you stuck.

Sitting with other people’s struggles

Practicing meditation regularly helps you build the skills to sit with your own discomfort and allow it space to exist. When you can sit with your own feelings, it’s much easier to sit with other people’s, and not need to fix or change anything. The impulse to fix someone else’s discomfort (when they are not paying you to do it), is a form of discharging your own discomfort.

Sitting with them in the dark might look like holding a hand or giving a hug. Maybe you sit in silence and breathe together. Maybe you listen to them tell you their story and you validate their feelings. “Wow, that sounds really overwhelming.” “You seem really angry about that.” “That’s so hard.”

Keeping yourself regulated helps you deal with their discomfort without taking it on as your own. It’s much easier to cope with someone else’s feelings when you’ve eaten, slept, and taken care of yourself. If you feel dysregulated, you might want to take some deep breaths or suggest having the conversation another time. “I really want to hear what you have to say, but I am a bit out of sorts right now. Can we talk in about 15 minutes?”

As the saying goes, put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting another person.

Meditation for managing emotions

Feeling your feelings takes practice and may not be your default. I spent much of my early adulthood staying busy so I didn’t have to feel. I stayed numb, and it worked until I realized I felt empty and alone, despite being married and having kids.

A meditation technique I use to feel my feelings is to sit quietly and turn my attention to my heart center. I bring awareness to any sensations I feel there. There might be a tight, squeezing, heaviness, or something else. I allow whatever is there to be just as it is.

I continue to breathe normally and notice. Sometimes I imagine creating more space in my heart for the sensation/feeling to exist. Other times I imagine holding my heart in gentle hands. As I stay still and feel what’s there, it starts to dissipate and eventually the sensation disappears completely.

At that point I often feel peaceful and lighter. Sometimes I will place my hands over my heart center and “seal in” that peacefulness, holding space for myself. It takes practice, but it’s worth it in the end.

Meditation at Purple Room Yoga

I teach meditation twice a week online as part of my yoga offerings. On Monday is Movement and Meditation, 20 minutes of gentle yoga and stretching followed by 20 minutes of guided and silent meditation. On Friday is Vinyasa Yoga and Meditation, an hour long Vinyasa yoga classes followed by 15 minutes of guided and silent meditation.

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