Always Treat Yourself with Kindness. You’ll Feel Better

Practice Heart opening yoga poses to cultivate love and kindness toward yourself

When I was younger, I was a Type A, overachieving perfectionist. I held myself to incredibly high standards that were usually completely unattainable. As with perfectionism in general, I often felt paralyzed by the need to be perfect, leading to procrastination, imposter syndrome, and feeling like a constant failure.

I have since “recovered” from my perfectionism, by embracing “good enough.” A friend recently told me that my “good enough” was better than many people’s best efforts. I’m still Type A and driven, but am less focused on things that are beyond my control, and instead focus on what I can control. Rather than focusing on the end “perfect” product, I focus on the process.

During my perfectionism years, I was riddled with anxiety, worrying that I was “doing it wrong,” whatever “it” was, and that I wasn’t enough while simultaneously being too much. My inner critic was harsh, sometimes cruel, reinforcing the negative stories I told myself. She kept me small, isolated, depressed, and numb.

My decades practicing yoga and meditation have taught me that often the stories we tell ourselves aren’t true. We are worthy of love and belonging just for existing. We don’t need to earn our love or our worth through being perfect or achieving. As a human being, you deserve to be loved, especially by yourself.

Opening your heart

There are poses in yoga that focus on opening your heart. This is not literally cardiac surgery, simply expanding the space in the center of your chest where you feel your heart energy. Love, compassion, and empathy often have sensations that you experience in the center of your chest. This is your Heart Center.

When you open your heart physically, you create space to open your heart energetically and metaphorically. When your heart is closed off to love, compassion, and empathy, this area feels tight and restricted. It might mimic the feelings of anxiety. For me, that’s the sensation of self-loathing that was so familiar to my younger self.

At first it might feel raw and vulnerable to allow this part of your body to open, especially if you’ve ever given your heart to someone who didn’t treat it kindly. You might have had parents or other loved ones who didn’t hold your big feelings the way you needed them to. Building walls around your heart keeps it protected from getting hurt, but it also cuts you off from feeling love.

Building love with yourself starts with your thoughts

The yoga practice of Ahimsa, or Non-Harming, encourages you to treat others in a way that causes no harm, both physically and emotionally. This also applies to how you treat yourself.

In my book, Living Yoga: One Yoga Teacher’s Journey to Surrender, I have a chapter on Ahimsa. I explore my own early struggles to practice non-harming toward myself, and my discovery that I had a verbal abuser living inside my own head. I was the cause of my own suffering. When I understood this, I could make different choices.

It’s hard to feel happy when there is someone in your head criticising you all the time. That inner critic often parrots thoughts and beliefs that you internalized as a child. Most of these thoughts and beliefs aren’t actually true. Here’s what is true:

• You are enough, exactly the right amount of “youness” for you.
• Your worth is not based on your achievements, but on who you are.
• You are allowed to rest, make mistakes, and be exactly who you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Practice a Heart opening pose

Just as the mind can affect how the body feels, the body can affect how the mind feels. Just as stress can tighten your muscles, stretching your body in a particular way can help you feel more relaxed.

Heart opening poses encourage your Heart Center to be more expansive, creating space for love and ease. One pose that I love for this purpose is Supported Reclining Bound Angle Pose/Salamba Supta Baddha Konasana. This is a gentle heart opener than can be tailored to all bodies. You may need more props or fewer props, depending on your physical mobility, but everyone can do this pose.

Props needed

You can do this pose solely with blankets, beach towels, pillows, and/or bolsters. What matters is that your body feels supported. The amount of stretch will depend on what your body tolerates and what feels good. If you feel your muscles straining, you need more support.

Roll up a folded blanket or towel so that the roll is 2-3 feet long. The taller you are, the longer you want the roll. Have 2 more folded blankets/towels nearby. If your hips are tight, you’ll want a whole pile to go under each knee. You can also use blocks for this purpose.

Practicing the pose

Place the roll in the direction of your mat and sit on the floor at one end of the roll. Bring the soles of your feet together, a comfortable distance away from your hips. Place the folded blankets/towels/blocks under your thighs so that when your knees fall open you feel nothing, or a mild stretch. You should not feel strain in your inner thighs, you want your legs to relax open.

Lie down on the roll so that your hips are on the floor and your head and spine are supported by the roll. You can place an additional pillow/folded blanket under your head if you need more support. Let your arms open to the sides, palms facing the ceiling. If you feel strain in your chest or shoulders, you can use a thinner blanket for the roll, or place additional blankets under your elbows.

Stay here and breathe easily. You can practice Dirga Pranayama (Three Part Breath), or simply relax and let the body melt into the support. Stay here as long as it feels good. You can be in this position for a while if you set yourself up well. You might practice meditation in this position.

Noticing your self talk

If you choose to meditate in this position, notice your self talk. When you meditate, you let go of your attachment to your thoughts and let them float on by, like a leaf floating down a river. Noticing your thoughts creates space between you and your thoughts. You can notice your thoughts and decide if you believe them or not.

You can let go of what no longer serves you and invite in what does. Kindness. Gentleness. Love. Compassion. What does it feel like to be kind to yourself, instead of critical? What does it feel like when your words toward yourself are gentle, instead of harsh? Can you be loving and compassionate toward yourself, especially when you make mistakes?

Notice how this feels in your Heart Center. This pose is made for heart opening. Allow it to open. You are safe with yourself. Notice any resistance that might come up and let it ease. Imagine holding your heart with gentle hands. See how that feels.

After care

When you are done, take a deep breath in through the nose and sigh it out through the mouth. Gently roll to one side then, when you are ready, slowly sit up. Sit for a moment or two and notice how you feel.

Journaling can help you process anything that came up for you. If you feel moved to write, or paint, or draw, or create, don’t think. Simply let those feelings flow out onto the page or other medium.

See if you can take the kindness and gentleness with you, into the rest of your day.

For more information on practicing Ahimsa, as well as other yogic practices you can do off the mat, click the graphic below!