When You See Yourself: Meditation and Looking Inward
Using Meditation for Svadhyaya/Self-Inquiry
Just one more game.
Just one more page.
Just one more cookie.
Just one more drink.
These are some of the lies we tell ourselves when we numb. When you are numb, you are disconnected, unaware, and don’t have power over yourself. It’s only through awareness that you gain control.
Without awareness you have no power over yourself or your actions. If you’ve ever felt like you’re living life on autopilot, you are living without awareness. When I am drowning in my numbing behaviors, that is autopilot. I have no control over myself and am a victim to habits that don’t serve me. When I become aware of these behaviors, that’s when I have the power to change them.
One reason I practice yoga and meditation is to get to know myself better. When you understand how your mind works, you better understand why do the things you do. With awareness comes choice, and with choice comes power. You will have no power over yourself unless you are aware.
Meditation cultivates awareness
Meditation teaches you to become aware of your thoughts by honing your focus. When you bring your awareness to one thing, like your breath, you attempt to let go of all the other chatter in your mind. Easier said than done, yes, but with practice it is possible.
Initially your mind watches your breath for less than a second before it’s off to the next thought. Or fifteen thoughts. Words, memories, and ideas come flooding into your mind. You pause, and begin again. This is the practice: you notice that your mind has wandered and you come back to your breath and begin again. And again.
Over time, you’ll notice more space between the thoughts. Then the thoughts move to the periphery of your consciousness. Then you don’t care that the thoughts are there as they pass through like a leaf floating down the river. You let go of your attachment to your thoughts and can just be. It’s in that being that you find awareness.
- You are aware that your mind is thinking.
- You are aware of your breath.
- You are aware that you are sitting.
- You are aware of the sounds around you.
Practicing being aware is like practicing the violin. You wouldn’t perform in a recital without practicing first. We practice in a stress-free environment so that we have access to those skills when the stakes are higher.
Noticing your thoughts
When you step back from your thoughts, you will notice them as thoughts. The mind thinks all sorts of crazy things and holds all sorts of beliefs that aren’t always true. When you notice your thoughts, rather than getting caught up in the thinking, you gain control over those thoughts. The thoughts still happen, but instead of them controlling you and your subsequent behavoir, you control what you do in response to the thoughts.
Sometimes during meditation I picture myself sitting in the center of an open room in a spotlight. There is nothing but empty space and light around me. I visualize my thoughts as people talking quietly in the darkness around the periphery of the room. They are not me. I am aware that they are there, but my main focus is on the space in the spotlight. Through the practice of meditation, you create space between you and your thoughts.
You are not your thoughts, you have thoughts, and they are separate from who you are.
Finding space slows you down so that you can listen to the thoughts and decide if they are right. Your brain chatter might tell you that you suck at meditating. It might tell you how stupid and worthless you are. Those thoughts can tell you that you are too much, not enough, or myriad other untrue things. Creating space helps you notice your thoughts as thoughts. These beliefs are stories you tell yourself, and are not actually true.
Learning from your thoughts
Svadhyaya, or Self-Inquiry, is the 4th principle in the 2nd Limb of yoga called Niyama. Self-Inquiry involves going inward and exploring who you are. Meditation is a wonderful tool for Svadhyaya because it slows you down enough to hear what you are telling yourself. Does your mother’s voice still ring in your head, criticizing you about your weight? Does an old teacher’s opinion of you still make you feel lazy, despite the fact that you are an overachieving workaholic?
The voices in your head don’t always speak the truth. If these voices come from people in your childhood (and many do) they are most likely NOT true. They are someone else’s fears, worries, and opinions, and are not about you.
Meditation allows you to hear these thoughts, and by creating space, you get to decide what to do about them. You can discover what is actually true about you from within your own heart.
- Meditation taught me that I am love. My “future self” gave me this wisdom during a meditation practice. I was able to hear it and receive it, though it took me a few years to finally believe it.
- Meditation helped me see that, despite all the emotional harm she caused me, I do actually love my mother, and that she was doing the best she could. For decades I couldn’t feel love for my mother, it was buried too deeply under anger, grief, and pain. I felt obligation and resentment, but not love. My meditation practice (plus lots of therapy) created space for me to have loving feelings toward my mother. It was during a meditation practice that I felt love toward her for the first time in as long as I can remember.
- Meditation helped me let go of my perfectionism and embrace “good enoughness.” I was able to hear the story enabling my perfectionism and realize that it wasn’t actually true. Sitting in the space of “good enough” is freeing and I felt physically lighter when I finally set down perfectionism.
- Meditation helps me embrace stillness over movement. In the stillness I can feel my feelings and let them be. I don’t need to fix or change anything, I just feel. Meditation is a space for me to hold my heart gently, without shame or criticism, and explore what’s there.
- Meditation helps me solve problems. When I am quiet, wisdom bubbles to the surface and I find my answer. It’s not always immediate, but with enough stillness and patience, the solution appears. Trying to actively figure things out leaves me frustrated and blank. Stilling my body and settling my mind creates space for my head to hear what my heart already knows.
If you struggle to meditate, or think “I can’t meditate because…” I invite you to check out this free eBook, “3 Myths About Meditation and Why it’s Easier Than You Think!” I break down 3 myths that commonly prevent people from trying meditation. I also include some videos to get you started.
