The Weight of Perfectionism: Setting it Down Sets You Free

Hi, I’m Janine, I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Hi Janine!

About 12 years ago, I finally set down what Brene Brown describes as 20 ton armor: Perfectionism. 

At age 40, I finally realized that my Dad would still love me, even if I wasn’t perfect, and that I was loveable generally speaking. The belief that I needed to be perfect for his approval had felt true for decades. I finally realized that it wasn’t.

When my parents split up when I was 10 years old I was devastated. I already had problems with emotional dysregulation and processing. I shut down, hid, and wouldn’t talk to anyone when I felt any big feelings. My parents weren’t great role models for this, and was on my own to handle my feelings; I was woefully “unskillful.”

When my parents told my sister and me that they were separating, I ran into my closet and cried with my pillow for what seemed like hours. I withdrew, was depressed, but then at some point “found” perfectionism as a way to cope. It wasn’t something that I chose, per se and wasn’t until decades later that I recognized it for what it was. Perfectionism was the cause of my lifelong procrastination, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness.

What I believed at age 10, was that I wasn’t enough as I was, or else my dad wouldn’t have left (a belief that I deeply thought was true). Maybe if I’m perfect, he’ll come back, or at least still notice me and love me.

What is Perfectionism?

For those of you not afflicted, perfectionism is the drive to be perfect and act perfect, as a way to avoid emotional pain. According to Brene Brown: “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” Oof, I felt that growing up.

On one hand, being and acting perfect might not seem like such a bad thing. In theory, you are always trying your hardest to do your best work, striving to make things great, etc. However, in reality, that’s not usually how things work. When you don’t have a plan to achieve perfect, you become paralyzed and can’t even start. Usually you don’t have a plan, just a picture of the end goal; without any way to get there, you feel stuck and lost.

For this reason, perfectionism is a common cause of procrastination, with the underlying monster: anxiety.

Perfectionism causes anxiety and imposter syndrome because there is no perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, you can’t achieve it, and are, in your mind, always a failure for not achieving the unachievable. 

Plus other fun beliefs:

• My ideas are not going to be good enough, so why bother.
• I’m going to let everyone down.
• No one will love me if I can’t be who they want me to be (although I’m not sure who that is).
• I suck, nothing I do is good enough, I am not good enough.
• I’m a failure as a person.

These beliefs are not conscious, but are pervasive. They are always just under the surface, like whispers in the back of your mind, constantly telling you you’re not good enough. Prevalent enough to feel, but not quite loud enough to hear. They penetrate your being and feel true in your bones.

Perfectionism vs Healthy Striving

Although on the outside they are similar, Perfectionism and Healthy Striving are not the same thing. Perfectionism focuses on things that are out of your control, like the end result; unless it can be perfect, you can’t even start. Focusing on things you have no control over causes anxiety, procrastination, and emotional paralysis. You can’t start because the weight of perfection is too much to carry.

The prospect of failing to be perfect feels overwhelming and too much to handle, so you put it off. Because it’s hanging over your head, your anxiety builds until you finally have to act. At that point (usually at the deadline) you do the best you can, which, in your mind, is usually not enough, and you feel like a failure because it’s not perfect. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Healthy striving, on the other hand, is doing your best, focusing on the work along the way, all of which is within your control. Focusing on what you can control, relieves your anxiety because you can take action and create change.

The Serenity Prayer talks about accepting things you cannot change and changing things you can. Serenity happens when you let go of trying to control things over which you have no control, and instead, taking control over things you can control.

When you focus on each step and do the best you can, the end result will be something you can be proud of. It might not be perfect, but it will definitely be good enough.

What is actually true:

• There is no perfect, but “good enough” is a perfect goal.
• Doing your best IS enough. It is not possible to do any better.
• You are loveable and worthy just as you are.
• You are not a failure when you believe in yourself; believing in yourself is enough.
• Other people’s opinions of you matter far less than your own opinions of yourself. Read that again.

Setting down perfectionism comes down to these things: letting go of needing to please others, letting go of the beliefs that you need to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging, allowing yourself to be just as you are, and letting “good enough” be good enough.

My Dad has proven to me time and again that he does actually love me, and I am FAR from perfect. At age 40, I realized that my belief wasn’t actually true and I could embrace what was: that I was indeed loveable just as I was. For me, this was life changing.

I felt physically lighter, as if I had actually set down 20 tons of armor. Emotionally, I had. 

Through yoga, meditation, and journaling, I have since learned to accept and love myself just as I am, and to show up to life as my full self. My job isn’t to please others or pretend to be who I think they want me to be. I don’t actually know what “they” want (who are “they” exactly?). My job is simply to be me. Perfectly imperfect, and loveable just as I am. 

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I highly recommend Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. The title speaks for itself, but it helps you understand what perfectionism is, how it holds you back, and action steps to take to live a more wholehearted life. It helped me (and probably thousands of others), and I hope it helps you too. 

If you are looking to dig into your thoughts and beliefs, join me for Meditation in March! This month long online program teaches you how to look at your thoughts and let your heart speak, through guided meditation practices and daily journaling. Whether you’ve meditated or journaled before doesn’t matter, this is for wherever you are on your journey. Click here for more information or to sign up we begin Friday, March 1!

Join me for Movement and Meditation every Monday at 8am EST for 20 minutes of gentle yoga movement to release stiffness in your body, followed by 20 minutes of guided meditation to start your week off on the right foot. These classes are available online both live and on demand.