The Best New Habits Start Small

Building the habits of community and connection

All lasting habits, no matter what they are, are built slowly over time. You can’t just go out and run a marathon, you need to train and slowly increase your distance. You start by running half a mile, then a mile, and so on. I have never run a marathon, I don’t run at all, but you see my point.

You can’t just run 26.2 miles, you need to start smaller. There is a Japanese concept called Kaizen, which means “continuous improvement,” where you build a habit in increments. If your goal is to run 30 minutes, you start with 1 minute. The next day you do 2 minutes, and so on until you build up to 30. 15 minutes doesn’t seem so hard because you did 14 minutes the day before. 30 isn’t bad because you did 29 the day before.

Using that logic, if you want to increase your water intake, start by drinking 1 glass of water per day (or adding 1 more to what you already drink). Once that feels natural, add another. Keep adding slowly over time (maybe an additional glass per week) until you reach your goal.

You can applyt his concept to any practice you want to add to your life. Slow and steady really does win the race. You can increase slowly over a course of days, weeks, months, or even year. Build a habit until you don’t think about it anymore; once it is a natural part of your life, you can add another habit if you like.

Willpower will only last so long. This is why when you make big sweeping changes, they rarely stick. Your will carries you until it runs out, then you are back to where you started. If you build slowly, it allows your body and mind to acclimate so you will eventually meet your goal, it just might take a little while. Be patient with yourself.

My “word” of the year

Instead of making New Year’s Resolutions, I like to come up with a word of the year. Last year my word was “self-love” and I was able to honor it through my thoughts and actions in 2024. This year I had 2 words which are related that were jockeying for top spot. I’m an Aquarius and make my own rules, so I chose both: Connection and Community.

I craved connection as a child. While I had friends, I was shy, and feared rejection. I would play at other people’s houses when they asked me, but rarely asked someone over to mine. One time I asked someone to play at my house but she already had plans with someone else so said no. I fell down a shame spiral that I struggled to climb out of (I am almost 53 and I still remember it happening). I found it was easier just to play by myself than risk that pain.

In high school I kept people at arm’s length, even my “close” group of friends. No one knew the real me. My perfectionism was strong and I feared showing up as myself. By that time I wasn’t sure how or who I was anyway. I was a great listener, but rarely spoke up for myself. It felt safer being quiet, because then they could decide who I was.

I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, seeking someone who would make me feel like I mattered. Unfortunately what I found familiar was emotionally unavailable men, so that’s who I spent my time with. That’s also who I married when I was 24. He showed up for me physically, meaning he was around, but couldn’t be there for me emotionally.

In my late 30s I got to the point where I felt lonely, both in my marriage and in my life. I didn’t attend church or synagogue, but thought about joining one to find a community. I found a meditation sangha (community of like-minded people) at the studio where I taught yoga, but initially I found it challenging to open up, even in that safe space. I had a dual role of being both an instructor and a student. I maintained my facade in my role as an instructor, but I craved connection and wanted to be part of the community as an equal member.

When I discovered that in order to cultivate connection I needed to be vulnerable first, I finally decided that I would take on the student role in that meditation group and open up. I learned to let my guard down and show up as my messy, imperfect, big feelings self. I let people see me for the first time as an actual human being, as opposed to my “perfect” self (who wasn’t perfect anyway). I figured out how to connect more deeply to other people by first connecting to myself.

Power of community

Community is another thing, related to connection, that I’ve craved through my life. I’m not a religious person, but I wanted a similar community, to connect with people who had a thirst for knowledge about who we are in our hearts. In the last 4 years, since starting my own online yoga business, I have created this community, and am excited every time I see it grow and change. This Substack community is another evolution that I love.

I cultivated a community of active adults over 50 through my yoga classes and retreats, and more recently though Sangha Sundays, a monthly online group where we discuss challenging concepts that hold us back in life. We’ve discussed what it’s like to make mistakes when you are a perfectionist. We’ve talked about boundaries, and about why we fight making rest a priority ( and the stories we tell ourselves).

I’m in a place in my business where community and connection are my #1 drivers, and that is what I am taking with me into 2025. I want to build the habit of creating community and connection, where turning toward people is my default, rather than turning away to hide myself.

Building the habits of connection and community

John Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, talks about turning toward vs turning away. He’s referring to marriage, but it works in any relationship where you are seeking connection. In this helpful article written by Zach Brittle, he highlights ways we can turn toward loved ones, or turn away from them, to build or break trust and connection.

Building connection takes time, but it happens in small moments. Grand gestures don’t build trust and connection, small ones over time do. When your goal is community and connection you need to look at how you interact with others.

• Are you frequently distracted by your phone or do you put it down and look the other person in the eyes when they are talking to you?
• When you are talking on the phone are you doing other things at the same time or do you listen with your full attention?
• When someone calls you, do you let it go to voicemail or do you answer when it’s someone you care about?

These are a few small examples of ways to build connection with another person in this highly distractible world. Start small and see what happens. These are ideas that I plan to implement through the year to increase connection with my community and loved ones. I might report back in a year and let you know how it went.

While I can find connection with myself, I need you for community. We all need each other. Thank you for being here, in whatever way you are. I am so grateful for you.

What is something that you could do in your life to build stronger connections with your loved ones? What is one small habit that you can let go of to replace with another one that serves you better, one you can build over time? Join the Substack community to comment! Click the button below!

Connection and community

Are you seeking connection and community? Join me for Sangha Sundays on the 4th Sunday of each month. I send out a journal prompt at the beginning of the month to help you explore the topic on your own. Then we meet online to discuss it. Topics are related to yoga and living as an open-hearted human. You can drop in, or become a regular. No experience necessary. It’s open to anyone looking to let go of what’s holding you back in a safe, supportive space. Click the button below for more information!