How to stop verbally abusing yourself with self-compassion
Learning to treat yourself the way you treat others
The call is coming from inside the house.
It’s an inside job.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
There are so many sayings that describe how we are the cause of our own suffering. I am not the first to ask the question, “how can you be happy when someone is criticizing you all the time?” Especially when that someone is you.
How often does your inner critic tell you that you’re too fat, or too thin, or too old, or too weak, or too much, or not enough, or… the list goes on endlessly. If someone is constantly cutting you down, you will always feel less than.
It is well known that children who grow up in verbally abusive households have lower self esteem. What if that verbal abuse is coming from you? Do you shame yourself or tell yourself how stupid you are when you do something wrong or make a mistake? You might not even notice it’s happening, but you definitely feel the effects.
What is shame?
According to Brene Brown, the definition of shame is the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Yikes. Because we are flawed, we are therefore unlovable. This explains so much of my life.
Also according to Brown, shame requires 3 things to survive and grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame makes you feel small, less than, and isolated. This is not a space in which you thrive. Shame doesn’t motivate, and shame doesn’t encourage growth, despite what seemed true in movies from the 80s and 90s. All it does is make you feel stuck and alone.
It’s not your voice speaking to you.
While it sounds like you in your head, those are not your words. You weren’t born thinking these things about yourself, you learned them. Who told you that you were too fat or too thin? Who told you that you were too much or not enough? Enough according to whom? Who are these people telling you that you need to fix yourself?
Typically you were told these things by someone (or multiple someones) who was unable to handle their own emotional discomfort. They discharged their discomfort on you in an effort to make themselves feel better, and it made you feel worse. Now you are repeating their words in your head and believing them to be true.
What if you could set down all of those critical voices in your head, let go of the false beliefs and embrace what is actually true? You can, I promise, you just have to notice them when they happen and flip the script. Just…
Self-Compassion to the Rescue
Self-Compassion (Karuna) is a concept that I came across a number of years ago in my yoga journey. I have found it to be a simple concept, although it can take practice to override the self-criticism “habit.”
What is compassion? According to Oxford, Compassion is the “sympathetic pity and concern for the misfortunes of others.” I don’t really like the word pity, as I feel like compassion isn’t pity. Rather it’s an open heartedness for another person who is struggling.
Compassion breeds empathy, which is an inner knowing from a shared experience. “I know how you feel, so I can understand what you are going through, and I can sit here with you in your pain. My heart feels what your heart feels, and we’ll be okay together.” Empathy is also the cure for shame.
If you put shame in a petri dish, it need three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.
If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. ~Brene Brown
Compassion is easier when turned outward
For years I found it so much easier to be compassionate toward others, and nearly impossible to be compassionate with myself. Same with being loving, patient, caring, and gentle. Why was it so much easier to give these things to other people, yet deprive myself of the same treatment?
I felt I didn’t deserve it. My feelings were too big, I was too much to handle, I didn’t want to burden anyone. I tried to make myself smaller, to have fewer feelings, and just keep myself all wrapped up in a tight bundle (of anxiety) so I wouldn’t bother anyone. Why did I deserve to be loved or feel compassion? Maybe I would be worthy if I was perfect. Read about how well that turned out for me in the post below. Spoiler alert: not so well…
The Weight of Perfectionism:
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February 27, 2024
Then I came across this Brene Brown idea (my saving grace):
Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.
Mind blown.
Even if I didn’t fully love myself then, I could talk to myself as if I did. Eventually, I learned to actually love myself just as I was. I put down the perfectionism, and allowed myself to show up in the world as me. I learned to be kinder and gentler with myself in my self talk. When I stopped criticizing myself, I allowed myself to be imperfect (I was imperfect anyway, shouldn’t I allow for it?).
I let go of worrying about what other people think, and embraced being who I am. I let go of having to look, dress or act in any way that doesn’t feel good. In fact, in my work life I am either in yoga pants (yoga instructor) or scrubs (acupuncturist). When I leave the house, I basically wear pajamas all day, prioritizing comfort over fashion. I prioritize my own needs so that I can better serve others. I live with the idea that everyone is doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. Including myself.
How to flip the script
The first step toward changing your negative self-talk is to notice that you’re doing it. First awareness, then change. This is the tricky part, because the self-talk can be so deeply ingrained in your way of thinking that you don’t notice how you talk to yourself. Make the intention to start noticing. It takes practice, and time, but without awareness, you cannot make changes.
Once you are aware of talking cruelly to yourself, in that moment of awareness, talk to yourself like someone you love, with kindness and compassion. For example:
- Old self-talk (OST): You are so stupid, why did you do/say that?!
- New self-talk (NST): You were trying your best. You made a mistake and it’s okay. Apologize (if needed), fix your mistake (if needed), and show yourself some compassion.
- OST: Ugh, you are fat, ugly, and useless.
- NST: You have value beyond your looks, and your body is beautiful just as it is. You don’t need to live up to someone else’s beauty standards. You rock.
Eventually, when you flip the script enough, it will become habit to the point where you aren’t mean to yourself at all (or as often). Showing yourself compassion is the key to loving and accepting yourself as you are. I believe that this is the key to healing the world. It all starts with self-love.
If you are new to the concept of Self-Compassion, I recommend reading Kristin Neff’s book “Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” Some other great reads are Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are,” and Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha.” Pema Chodron has numerous books on Compassion that are also worth checking out. Clearly this is a topic worth exploring.
For those of you who are new to this blog, I am Janine Agoglia. I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga since 1995 and 1998 respectively. Currently I teach yoga and meditation online at Purple Room Yoga, an online yoga studio for active adults over 50 who want to stay active for the long term. I am also a licensed acupuncturist and live in Central Massachusetts, USA. My 2 sons are both off at college, and I am living by myself for the first time in my life, and loving it.
I am passionate about sharing my understanding of yoga with you, from both on the mat and off. Everything I share I’ve learned through decades of practice and study. My hope is that you will learn from my mistakes and I can save you the pain of figuring it out on your own. Additionally, that you see yourself in my words, and you feel less alone. Welcome to the community!
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