How to Live with an Open Heart when the World is Hateful
Living in the United States right now, with the most hateful president we’ve ever had (to my knowledge), is hard when you have an open heart. My yoga practice has opened me up in ways I never imagined when I started practicing in my early 20s. I never realized how shut down and closed off I was during my entire childhood until I felt what having an open heart was like.
As I have written about before (here, here, and here), having big feelings as a child wasn’t so welcomed by my parents, so I learned to stuff them down, numb them, and close myself off to them. Throughout the last 30 years of practicing yoga, I have learned to feel my feelings, and even welcome them into my life.
Not all feelings feel good, but giving them space to exist feels better than numbing or stuffing them down. What is challenging, is when you live in a place that doesn’t value your open heart. Caring about other people isn’t a bad thing, it’s what builds communities and connection, things humans require. Supporting each other is what life is all about. It takes a village, as they say.
Not everyone deserves your open heart
Last Sunday, during the monthly Sangha Sundays meeting, we discussed the Marble Jar concept that Brene Brown describes in her talk on the Anatomy of Trust. The basic idea stems from an elementary school exercise where if someone does something nice or kind to another classmate, the teacher puts a marble goes in the jar. If someone does something mean or disruptive, a marble comes out. When they fill the marble jar, they get a celebration.
There are certain people in our life who are Marble Jar people. Over time, they have proven themselves to be a good friend, a loving companion, they have been there to support you when you needed it, etc. These are the people to whom you tell your stories, your shame, your secrets, and they can hold your words with confidence, compassion, and empathy.
These are the people that deserve your open heart. You can be vulnerable with them and show them your full self, squishy bits and all. They have earned your trust over time. Even if you’ve had arguments or fights, you’ve been able to repair the relationship because it means that much to each of you.
These relationships are special and unique. You don’t have them with everyone in your life. Some people, even close relatives, might not be Marble Jar people. Just because you share blood, doesn’t mean they’ve earned your open heart.
Protect your heart
If you’ve spent any amount of time on social media, you know that “trolls” abound. These people definitely don’t deserve your open heart, or your time and energy. There are people whose main purpose online is to stir up trouble. If you are a sensitive soul with an open heart, this can be incredibly painful.
One way to protect your heart is to shut down. I did this for much of my life and I don’t recommend it. It leaves you feeling empty and depressed, and in the end, you have allowed other people’s opinions and comfort to take you away from yourself. I give this method a 0/10.
Instead, show up as yourself, feel your feet on the ground, and connect to your breath. I like the mantra “other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.” Rather than taking it in and letting the vitriol marinate in your being, visualize the foulness rolling off your body, like water off a duck’s back. Their words are not about you, even if they are directed at you. Their words are about them.
Sometimes the shit seeps in
Of course, when you have an open heart, sometimes words hurt. The question you need to ask yourself is WHY do those words hurt? Often when someone is able to hurt us, they’ve touched on an element that we believe is true. It might not actually be true, but we believe it’s true.
As I wrote about here, I felt the pain of being trolled because the commenter wasn’t seeing me, and I am sensitive about that. Rationally, why would I expect a stranger on the internet to actually know me? But it’s not the rational part of you that gets hurt, it’s a younger part whose needs aren’t being met. Once I realized that I was reacting to not feeling seen, I was able to let go of the hurt, because I didn’t need that person to see me. They didn’t matter to me and weren’t part of my life.
When the shit seeps in, you need to be a bit of a detective to piece out what is actually happening inside your body and mind. Journaling can help, talking to a friend or therapist can also help. Meditation, and sitting with the feelings, often gives you clarity from where you can start journaling to get to the bottom of the stories you are telling yourself. There is always a story, your job is to figure out what it is, and what is actually true instead.
Self-care practices
This is all easier said than done, of course, but is much easier to manage your feelings when you feel grounded and calm.
Self-care is not bubble baths and spa treatments (although if you enjoy that type of thing, go for it). Self-care covers the practices that you do for yourself every day to take care of and nourish yourself. When you feel cared for, you can show up as your best self, open heart and all.
Self-care includes:
- eating foods that support and fuel your body
- getting enough good quality sleep
- moving your body regularly
- managing stress with activities such as:
- yoga
- meditation
- cardio exercise
- pushing/pulling/lifting/hitting heavy things
- journaling
- talking with a friend
- petting your furry friend
Give yourself the support that you need to feel good every day. You don’t need to spend hours every day on self-care, maybe you only have 15 minutes. It will make a difference. I often say 15 minutes is better than zero minutes.
It’s not possible to be stress free every moment (unless you are an enlightened being, which I am not), but coming back to yourself over and over will offer you the best opportunity to handle whatever comes flying at you.
Strong back, soft front, wild heart
Strong back, soft front, wild heart.~Brene Brown from Braving the Wilderness
In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown talks about how to be with an open heart in a cold, cruel world. Having a strong back means having the courage to stand up for yourself, knowing who you are, and letting go of fitting in in favor of belonging. Fitting in is changing yourself to be who other people want you to be. Belonging is showing up as yourself and finding your people.
When you have a strong back, you can then have a soft front, an open and wild heart. You can be vulnerable because you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are trustworthy and deserving of you and your stories. You can stand in your integrity without needing to people please, and be soft, gentle, and open-hearted.
It’s in this state that you can manage a hateful world, knowing that hate is not nearly as strong as love. It may be louder and more aggressive, but it fizzles out. Only love endures.
