Noticing and allowing your feelings is magic

I wish I had known this sooner

I grew up thinking that I wasn’t allowed to have emotions. My feelings were too big for the adults in my life to handle. The story I told myself was that I was too much and had to make myself smaller and quieter to feel safe and acceptable. This story followed me through my childhood and much of my early adulthood until I realized that this story was not actually true.

It wasn’t until I was around 40 that I was able to give myself permission to feel. I had sunk into a depression from a lifetime of stuffing and numbing my feelings, and keeping myself small. As Bruce Springsteen once sang, “I was unrecognizable to myself.”

Through yoga, meditation, and some therapy, I let go of the some of the stories that kept me small. Part of that process was realizing that having feelings and emotions was part of being human. The more I opened myself up to grief and sadness, the more I could feel love and connection.

Years of stuffing my emotions made it hard to know what I felt

I started slowly. Meditation allowed me to slow down enough to notice that I was having feelings. One of my unskillful numbing strategies was staying busy so I didn’t have time to feel. Meditation forced me to be still.

This was uncomfortable at first, my mind raced all around, trying to be anywhere but “here.” Anyone new to meditation has probably felt this too, the desperation not to feel what is actually happening. But what I quickly learned was that having feelings wasn’t a threat to my safety like it was as a child. I could feel my feelings and still be okay.

I remember one meditation session I felt a huge wave of grief that lead to “ugly crying” and deep sobs. Once I experienced the grief, the feeling dissipated and I felt lighter. I couldn’t believe the weight that I had carried for so long was no longer there. I hadn’t even been aware that it was there until it was gone. And I did stop crying after a few minutes. In a short period of time I dramatically changed how I felt for the better. Lighter. At ease. Grounded. Centered.

Getting past the stories

A big story that we often tell ourselves is “if I start crying I’ll never stop.” This often keeps us from feeling grief. In the US, we don’t handle grief and loss very well. Many other cultures around the world handle death, dying, and loss so much better than we do in the West. Part of that, I think, is that other cultures allow themselves to feel. It’s socially acceptable. That’s my impression anyway.

When you can get past your own stories about how “I must be strong,” or “having feelings shows weakness,” or “I’ll never stop crying if I start” many types of depression lift. Anxiety lifts. When we stop resisting our feelings and allow them to flow, we actually feel better. There’s a few moments of discomfort, then blissful relief.

It’s hard at first, especially if you are like me and have spend a lifetime avoid feeling at every turn. Many people turn to addictive behaviors to avoid feeling (also me), it can feel so unsafe. However, the only way out is through.

Emotions are information

Another piece of the puzzle is to realize that emotions aren’t good or bad, they are simply information. Some emotions, such as grief and fear, are unpleasant, but they aren’t bad. They are giving you information, just like hunger tells you that you need food and fatigue tells you that you need sleep.

Emotions are always true and valid, even if the stories behind them aren’t. Denying your emotions when you have them only causes pain. When you can get curious about your emotions, they don’t feel as threatening and might be safer for you to feel. Here’s another place where meditation can be a supportive tool.

When you sit, pause, and breathe, you can notice the sensations in your heart center. You might feel a tightness, a heaviness, or a sinking feeling. You might feel a lightness or an openness. There are many possibilities, and no wrong way to feel.

Once you notice what you feel, give that sensation permission to exist. No need to fix or change anything, just allow. You might want to imagine creating even more space in your heart to hold the feeling. I sometimes imagine holding the sensation in loving hands or giving it a gentle hug.

Breathe, notice, allow

Let your breath be natural as you allow your feelings to exist. Tears may come, they may not. Allow whatever happens to be as it is. Once you have felt your feelings, they dissipate. The intensity of the sensation wanes to the point of disappearing.

This is the power of meditation. When we resist or fight what is, we feel depression, anxiety, or explosions of anger. When we allow the feelings to exist without resistance, they deliver their message, and go away. No stuffing them or numbing necessary.

It takes practice, which is why meditation is called a practice. It’s a tool that helps us manage what is happening by observing with curiosity, rather than reacting from fear or resistance. Learning to observe your mind and heart is a benefit of meditation. The more you practice, the easier it gets, like anything else.

The magic comes through practice

There is no real trick to meditation, it’s simply training your mind to focus on this moment. Other moments, like the past and future, are far more exciting, so the mind likes to wander there. When you notice you’ve wandered, come back to the present and begin again. And again. And again. Noticing your breath helps.

Understanding that the mind will wander, helps you feel compassion toward yourself when it does. As a Type A recovering perfectionist, I used to “yell” at myself in my mind when it wandered. I can assure you, this doesn’t help you relax. When I learned that everyone’s mind wandered, not just mine, I was able to let the process be what it was.

The power of meditation is in the attempt, not the “success.” The more you practice, the mind wanders less, and you become less bothered about it. Over time, you’ll experience more space between the thoughts, and be able to drop into that space more easily. Until then, you will still benefit from practice, even if you only practice for a few minutes at a time.

Meditation guidance

Here is a 13 minute guided meditation practice to get you started. Notice how you feel before and after. This was part of a longer class that was recorded over Zoom. The video quality isn’t great, but the sound (which is what you need) is clear:

I also have a free eBook available called “3 Myths About Meditation and Why it’s Easier Than you Think!” If you’ve ever thought “I can’t meditate because…,” this eBook might help you understand what meditation is and why you can practice. It also contains a 6 minute guided meditation practice.

Weekly online meditation classes

I teach meditation online every Monday and Friday as part of my yoga offerings.

• Monday classes are Movement and Meditation, 20 minutes of gentle yoga and stretching to loosen up the body, followed by 20 minutes of both guided and silent meditation.
• Fridays are Vinyasa Yoga and Meditation, a 60 minute all levels Vinyasa flow class followed by 15 minutes of both guided and silent meditation.

These classes can be taken live or on demand when your schedule allows. Please take advantage of this 10 Day All Access Free Trial to check out all the yoga classes at Purple Room Yoga, an online yoga studio for active adults over 50 who want to stay active for life!