How Finding Acceptance Will Set You Free from Stress
Finding acceptance is easier said than done, but is exactly what frees you from the stress in your life. The events in your life won’t change, but your relationship to these events can. You can’t control the events, but you can control how you respond.
I find there are two kinds of people: people who can roll with whatever life brings them, and people who get knocked down with every little thing. These two types of people handle stress differently, and it has nothing to do with how stressful their lives are. It is also possible to shift from one to the other; it all depends on your mindset.
If you’ve been in my orbit for any amount of time, you may have heard me say (or write), “when you are anxious, control what you can control.” Anxiety comes from focusing on things over which you have no control, which is why your mind spins and spins. When you focus on what you can control, the spinning stops.
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”~Steve Maraboli
This is also what happens with acceptance. When you accept what is happening right now, the spin stops. Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what is happening, or that you agree that it is right, you simply accept that events are exactly as they are. Resisting that things are the way they are creates stress. Accepting that things are the way they are relieves stress.
When you accept things as they are, you can change them going forward. It allows you to practice Aparigraha/non-attachment. When you practice non-attachment, you get a clearer picture of how things are so that you can make better decisions. You can respond, rather than react.
Accepting the past
Acceptance works well for past events. Wishing that things had happened differently in the past will cause you nothing but pain. Wishing that events in your childhood didn’t happen, or that people would be different than who they are only hurts you and keeps you stuck.
When you can agree that the past happened exactly as it did, and that there is nothing you can do about it, sets you free and releases your stuckness. You can’t change the past, but you can relate to it differently. That is what you can control.
I spent years wishing that I had a different mother. I wished that my childhood best friend’s mother was my mother too. She was open, warm, and loving, with an endless supply of hugs, fun, and creativity. I always got a bedtime kiss when I slept over. Rita made me feel like I mattered, that she was happy I was there to play with her daughter. There was a warmth and comfort to her house that wasn’t in mine.
My mother wasn’t abusive, just subtly cutting. Her words came from a place of love (or worry), but they didn’t feel loving. The constant criticism, judgment, and questioning of my decisions kept me shrinking, feeling small, unlovable, and that I should be different than who I was because “who does that, Janine? Do they wear those? Who looks like that? You’d be so beautiful if you lost 15 lbs.”
Because of her past, she couldn’t show me love in a way that I could feel or understand. Her own fear, anxiety, and insecurity got in the way. I experienced her as cold, critical, and emotionally unavailable to me. She made sure I had my physical needs met, but emotionally I was on my own.
I spent decades feeling angry, resentful, and like I wasn’t enough while simultaneously being too much. I’m not sure about the physics of being both too much and not enough, but that’s how I felt. I resisted who she was, wanting, needing, hoping that she would be different. But our interactions always ended the same: with me feeling unseen and exhausted from trying.
Acceptance is the way through
“Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day, it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.” — Tere Arigo
When I finally accepted my mom for who she was, it released me from my pain. I no longer resented her for not being the mom I wanted, because I could accept her for who she actually was. She didn’t do anything differently. I changed and saw her with new eyes. It was with this acceptance that I found peace.
We are currently estranged, but I don’t harbor any ill will toward her. I find the safest way for me to be okay with our relationship is for us not to speak. I’m no longer angry or resentful and I wish her well. I have loving feelings toward her for the first time that I can remember.
She’s not a bad person, she continues to do the best she can with the tools she has, just like we all do. I simply don’t want her in my life. I encourage my young adult sons to have a relationship with her if they choose to, I would never stand in their way. But for me, I feel more whole and at ease without her.
Acceptance through yoga and meditation
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”~ Lao Tzu
Both yoga and meditation have taught me what acceptance is and how to find it. When you stop struggling with the pose you are in and accept that this is what is happening right now, it feels easier.
Fighting a hamstring stretch only creates more stress, and doesn’t increase your mobility. When you relax into your hamstring stretch, stress drops and you find more movement. Over time, that movement creates more mobility (although it usually happens more slowly that you would like).
Complaining in your mind when you are holding Warrior 2 “forever” is going to make the pose seem harder. Letting go of the struggle to “be with what is” makes it more tolerable. As does remembering that if your muscles are straining, you are allowed to rest. Accepting when you have hit your limit is also part of the practice. You are not a “better” yogi for holding a pose longer, nor are you “lazy” for listening to your body and taking Child’s pose when you need a break.
Meditation helps you notice what is happening right now, in both your body and mind. When you sit and observe your breath, you are not trying to breathe in any particular way. Your body breathes for you and you notice. Your thoughts come and go, and you continue to watch, unattached to what is happening in your mind. When you accept that your mind will keep thinking, meditation becomes less frustrating and you can be at ease with what is.
You can struggle, or you can accept. The choice is yours.
This Sunday, December 22nd is the monthly online meeting of Sangha Sundays. This month we are discussing boundaries, what they are, how to keep them, and more. You can drop in or get a subscription. Click the button for more information!
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