3 Reasons to Stop “Shoulding” All Over Yourself
What if there were no shoulds?
In my lifelong journey of growth and letting go of perfectionism, I have become aware of the word “should.” Should is something that comes from outside of yourself and your own wisdom, whether from a parent, teacher, friend, religion, or society at large.
You should do this instead of that.
You should be like this and not like you.
You should think and act in this particular way.
You should love this person and not that person.
Shoulds are everywhere, and they don’t serve you when it comes to living an authentic life.
I don’t fit the norm and I never have
Shoulds have always been difficult for me. I grew up with a mom who had particular ideas about who I should be, how I should dress, who I should date, and how I should live my life. All of these shoulds suffocated me, leaving me depressed and anxious. I was depressed and anxious because I wasn’t able to live as myself. She kept trying to shove me into boxes into which I did not fit.
Once I left my childhood home and was off on my own, I was allowed to explore who I was on my own terms. Freedom, I thought. Shedding my mom’s “shoulds” was one of the best things I ever did. But there were other ones I wasn’t anticipating.
The shoulds that came from inside the house.
My conditioning as a cis, straightish, monogamish, white female was deeper than I realized. My mom wasn’t the only one enforcing shoulds, I was swimming in them and they were shaping my every move! I was shoulding all over myself. While my depression lifted when I moved out, my anxiety, in the form of perfectionism, was out in full force.
Was I good enough? Smart enough? Worthy of being loved? I didn’t really fit in with “normal” people. I was quirky and hard to pin down. I tried to be like “them,” or like I thought they wanted me to be, but I was always hiding who I really was. Even from myself.
Fast forward
Over the course of many years, I became smaller to stay in my marriage. I let go of interests, hobbies, and parts of myself so as not to rock the boat. If it had just been the two of us, I might have gotten out sooner, but we had 2 kids. My parent’s divorce really fucked me up and it has taken me decades to unpack that mess. I didn’t want to do that to my kids. Best laid plans…
I was in survival mode and eventually, unskillfully, got out. Kinda. It’s a complicated story for another day. What matters is that in the process I discovered who I am, that I have a voice worth using, that I am allowed to take up space, and I can own who I am fully and completely, while being loved and accepted for who I am by the people that matter to me. That is true freedom.
I learned to stop shoulding all over myself, be my full self, and let go of a marriage that wasn’t working for me anymore. When you get quiet and listen to your heart, sometimes it can surprise you. Parents, religion, and society have all sorts of rules that they impose on you to tell you who you are. I have learned that I don’t always agree with or fit into those standards. Maybe you don’t either. Can you let that be okay?
As long as I am honoring myself and not abandoning her, I will be okay. I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be free.
Here are my 3 reasons why YOU should stop shoulding all over yourself:
- First of all, who says you should? “Should” according to whom? Why do “they” have more power over you than you have over you? When you try to live according to other people’s standards, you lose your own voice and choice. Don’t wear that, don’t eat that, don’t do that. It’s all arbitrary. Someone, once upon a time, decided that you shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day. According to Google, it was so that the upper class could distinguish themselves from the lower class (insert eyeroll here—I can’t even). I don’t wear white because I always stain myself, but if I did wear white, I would wear it anytime I like! Personally, I choose to wear purple. I also choose to wear clothes that are comfortable rather than clothes that are fashionable, because I don’t care what other people think of how I look. I like how I look and that is what matters. Not worrying about what other people think, i.e. letting go of all your fucks, is so freeing. It may come with age, but some people never get there. Let go of worrying about what you “should” be wearing, doing, thinking, and instead tune into yourself. You have some deep wisdom inside; let yourself hear it and live by it.
- Shoulds keep you small, quiet, and feeling ashamed. I shouldn’t speak up, what if no one wants to hear what I have to say? I shouldn’t eat that, it will make me fat and therefore unloveable. I shouldn’t do that, I don’t think anyone else is doing it so I shouldn’t either. I call bullshit on all of that. You deserve to have a voice. Speak up. The size of your body has nothing to do with your lovability. You deserve to derive pleasure from your food. If you feel driven toward a certain hobby, profession, or activity, it shouldn’t matter if no one else is doing it.
“People who say it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it.” ~George Bernard Shaw (also a Chinese Proverb)
The above quote is one time I will allow the “should.” If I listened to the “shoulds,” I would never have danced professionally or become an acupuncturist. I also wouldn’t have the amazing relationship that I am in now. I am grateful for all of those experiences. Living according to the shoulds keeps you in a smaller life. Letting go of shoulds is expansive.
3. Shoulds keep you depressed and anxious. It comes down to trying to live your life according to other people’s expectations. What other people think is out of your control, and you can’t know what is happening inside another person’s head. Trying to please them or live up to their standards is impossible because you don’t know what they are. You’re only guessing. This unknown breeds anxiety. Constantly feeling like a failure for not living up to those expectations breeds depression. Eso es no bueno. What if your feelings, desires, and interests mattered more? What if you could prioritize your own standards over someone else’s? That ownership builds confidence and a sense of self-worth. Prioritizing yourself brings you back to things you can control so anxiety goes away. Accomplishing things under your own leadership cultivates self-reliance. Of course this is a privileged standpoint. When you work for someone else, you need to give them what they want when it’s your job. However, you can still be you.
Have you been shoulding all over yourself?
Please know that you are not alone. Letting go of shoulds can be lifelong work. This topic comes up over and over during my yoga retreats and other programs because living with a free heart isn’t the norm. It’s not what we’re taught as kids. We are conditioned to follow the rules, stay small and quiet, and fall in line.
We’re human beings, not robots. We have feelings, desires, interests, and we are not always like everyone else. While we need certain rules to keep each other safe, we (theoretically) live in a free society that let’s us be who we are. That’s the beauty of humanity: we’re all different, yet we all have a heart that beats and feels. What is yours feeling today?
Sangha Sundays starts in September!
If you are interested in doing this type of work, letting go of “shoulds,” perfectionism, anxiety, and instead embracing self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-love, join me for Sangha Sundays! This online community will meet the 4th Sunday of each month at 6:30pm ET. Join me for a free info session on Sunday, August 25th at 6:30pm ET to learn all about it! Click the link below to sign up for the info session! Anyone who attends the info session will get 50% off the first month!
Sign me up for the info session!
To read more about Sangha Sundays, click this link!
