Feeling Seen And Heard Requires You to Be Vulnerable
And not everyone is capable of seeing you for who you are
Feeling seen and heard by your loved ones creates deep validation on a core level, but the vulnerability that this requires can be terrifying. I spent decades of my life feeling unseen and unheard by parents and friends, but a percentage of that was my fault.
I struggled with perfectionism for most of my life, and the driving story was that I wasn’t loveable as I was, that I needed to perfect to prove my worth. The problem with this story is that perfect doesn’t exist, so I was never going to be loveable. Living by this story led to feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and severe self-judgment and criticism. I felt unseen for who I was because I believed that who I was was both not enough and too much, and showing up as myself was too much of a risk.
I wasn’t aware that I had these beliefs for much of my life. It was only through years of journaling, meditation, and therapy that I discovered them. It’s amazing how something you aren’t even aware of can run the show, like a puppeteer that you can’t see pulling your strings.
As I peeled back the layers and revealed these beliefs to myself, it shifted my view of myself. Setting down perfectionism and embracing “good enoughness” was step 1, but learning to show up as me required work on my worthiness. Was “good enough” good enough? Could I just be my messy, emotional self and still be worthy of love and belonging?
It took some convincing (of myself by myself) to find out that yes, I could. The more I released the need to live my life according to other people’s standards, the more I could dive into living my life according to my own. When I followed my joys and passions, and could own them; like-minded people noticed and I found people who loved and accepted me as I was.
What does showing up look like?
Self-Inquiry, or Svadhyaya (the 4th Niyama) is the yoga practice of discovering who you are. Digging into your thoughts and beliefs helps you weed out what no longer serves you. After you pull out unwanted weeds, you are left with a beautiful garden. When you weed out the thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve you, you are left with yourself: a beautiful garden.
When you discover who you are and accept yourself as you are, you can live your life from this solid, grounded place. That is showing up. Owning your boundaries, your strengths, your flaws, and not abandoning yourself for other people’s comfort is what showing up is all about. Learn who you are and then be that person, wholly and fully.
“Sure, no problem,” you may say. Yes, it’s not easy. It takes work. Self-Inquiry involves showing up for yourself first. Decide that you matter enough to deserve inquiry.
Does the world need someone like you, just as you are? YES! Does it matter that you are not perfect? NO! Your beauty lies in your humanness. You are allowed to make a mistake, and when you do, you deserve forgiveness. It’s the difference between “I did something that I regret” and “I am a bad person for doing that thing.” Those both feel different in your body, and are based on the story that they each tell.
My story
As I have written about before, I felt unseen and unheard for much of my childhood. I felt seen by my maternal grandmother. She wasn’t judgmental and she accepted me just as I was. I always felt at ease around her, and I never had to defend my life choices to her. She listened with acceptance and unconditional love. We had lots in common, like practicing yoga. She practiced yoga long before it was widespread in the US. I loved discussing yoga with her and feeling that commonality between us.
Her daughter, my mother, was very judgmental, wanting me to live according to some internal code of hers which I didn’t fully understand. Her anxiety came out as trying to control me, making me into someone that fit into her narrow view of what was acceptable. For me, this led to anxiety and depression, because I wasn’t allowed to be who I was, nor was I ever fully sure of who she wanted me to be.
When I moved out after college, I finally felt free. Free to be myself and live according to my own rules, instead of constantly having to defend my every choice. She never fully saw me for who I was because she didn’t feel like a safe person to share myself with. Her constant judgment and criticism of me was her own anxiety, worrying about what other people would think. But this was about her, not about me.
I didn’t choose “normal” jobs. After college I taught swimming to support my dance “career.” A few years later I became a yoga instructor and decided not to go to Western medical school, but instead became an acupuncturist. These were choices that felt right for me and honored who I am. I didn’t follow a typical path, but it was mine. I am proud of my journey, as it got me to where I am today.
Learning to show up as myself took time, Self-Inquiry, and letting go of beliefs that no longer served me. I allowed and continue to allow myself to show up as I am and be me. I feel comfortable in my skin, I own my choices, I admit when I make a mistake and forgive myself for it. This took years of practice, tears, and letting go of some people from my life who were no longer a right fit. Growth requires grief.
It goes both ways
I also learned that just because I show up, it still doesn’t mean that I will be seen. Being seen involves both you being who you are and the other person being able to see and accept you as such.
Sometimes we have images of who we think other people are that may or may not match who they actually are. Sometimes we hold people up on pedestals, when they are real humans just like we are. Teachers, celebrities, and people who have achieved things that we want to achieve are people with the same feelings and struggles.
As Maia Duerr wrote so beautifully in her essay “Moon Shadows”about struggling/coping with her aging dog nearing the end of her life:
I really don’t know much at all about this stuff, to be honest. I am feeling my way through, day by day, minute by minute. Meditation helps even though it’s not a magic bullet. Being honest and writing this helps…In the meantime I walk with my shadow and feel the moon and sun smiling down on all of us, no matter what the state of our awakening or awareness. We can be a mess, and this beauty is still freely given. That is grace.
You can only control you
You can’t control other people and how they see you, all you can do is show up as yourself. The only thing within your control is you. Sharing yourself with people who can see you is deeply nourishing and fosters connection. If someone can’t see you due to their own stories, that’s about them, and not about you.
Their inability to see and hear you doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy. It simply means that you may not be able to connect with them in the way you want to. Not everyone will see you as you are, and that’s okay. Not everyone deserves to see you. As long as you show up in your life, and share yourself with yourself and those who matter, you will feel seen and heard.
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