What Happens When You Feel the Pain of Being Trolled?
Breathe. Feel. Allow. Release.
I try to stay out of politics for the most part. Political discussions tend to be too much for my deeply feeling hippie heart, especially when people yell, don’t listen, and are fixed in their mindset without openness to growth and understanding.
Recently I commented on an article that I had read about someone’s experience during Pride Month, telling her what a beautiful essay she wrote, about my allyship, and my support of my gay, trans son.
A few “Trolls” jumped at my comment, calling me evil and that what “I did” was horrible, somehow implying that I had harmed rather than helped my formerly suicidal child who is now living his best life.
My rational brain kept telling me that these folks don’t matter, I don’t know them, I know that I did the right thing for my child, who is now thriving, and that I didn’t have a “liberal agenda that I forced on my child.”
But I felt this deep pain in my heart.
What was this pain? I have never had any regrets for helping my son. He feels seen, heard, and valued, and we have an incredibly strong, loving relationship that many parents of teens wish they had.
So what was gripping my heart and not letting go?
The interchange triggered my need to prove myself. This is an old pattern that I believe comes from not feeling seen or heard in my childhood. I felt the need to prove that I am not evil, that I am a loving, caring mother, who got the emotional and physical support for my child who was hurting.
When I blocked “The Trolls,” I was still ruminating, responding (in my head) with sassy comebacks and clever retorts. I was spending way more time and energy than any of this deserved. None of it made me feel better.
Breathe. Feel. Allow. Release.
I paused. Rather than try to talk myself out of my feelings, I decided that I would feel my pain. I allowed myself to feel not seen, heard, or known by these people who don’t matter in my life. They have no reason to see me, they don’t know me. They have their own agenda and that’s what they are sticking to.
And it has nothing to do with me.
What is about me is my need to feel seen. This is a core wound that I have spent many years working hard to heal, and it is much better, but still a work in progress. I am healed enough to notice that the scar is still a little raw and tender, and probably needs some love and compassion.
I can give myself this. It’s within my control.
I am grateful to have people in my life currently who fully see me and value my feelings, thoughts, and wisdom. Real people who matter to me. Real people who love me for me.
While I know this intellectually, it’s my reminder that you just have to feel the feelings and let them ride through. Emotions aren’t rational, but they are real. Just because they don’t make rational sense, doesn’t mean they hurt any less.
How does one handle these feelings?
Breathe.
Feel.
Allow.
Release.*
Breathe
When you pause and breathe, it creates space. As I have written previouslyhere andhere, the pause allows you to notice what is actually happening and gives it space to exist.
Pausing is powerful. It gives back your control over yourself.
Breathe deeply into that space and notice what comes up. Notice with curiosity instead of judgment. See if you can soften any resistance that comes up. Allow your breath to flow smoothly and easily, as a way to tune into the present moment.
Feel
As you breathe you will start to feel. It might suck, but it will only suck temporarily, and will be so much better on the other side.
Feel whatever comes up for you, and notice where it is in your body. Maybe, like I did, you feel a heavy tightness in your heart. It might be a gripping in your throat. Perhaps a pit in your stomach.
Feel what’s there and let it be. No need to fix or change anything.
Allow
Give the feelings that arise space to exist. Allow them to be there without trying to push them away or shove them down. Creating space for your feelings is a powerful form of self-care and self-love.
If tears come, let them come. Slow down your exhale and allow the flow.
Giving emotions space to exist allows you to be your full human self. It allows the potential for good feelings (love, joy, happiness) as well. You can’t selectively feel emotions or selectively numb (although I keep trying…). You need to feel them all or you feel nothing. Just numb.
Notice any resistance that you feel toward feeling your emotions, and see if you can soften the resistance. When you soften, you create even more space to sit with what is.
Release
Feelings are energy, and need to go somewhere.
As someone who was expert at suppressing her feelings for much of her life, I can tell you this: if you don’t feel them initially, you will feel them eventually, and usually in a much louder, messier, and far less convenient way.
Have you ever talked to someone and your reaction was much bigger than was called for? Maybe you got angrier about something than was warranted? That’s usually from suppressing a feeling that is determined to get out; you didn’t give it space the first time around, so it’s taking up space now, and forcing you to pay attention.
Feelings can be so pushy that way.
When you suppress them or push them away, they often end up as headaches, stomachaches, outbursts of rage, depression, anxiety, insomnia, the list goes on.
When you allow full expression of your feelings, they release and dissipate. Emotions just want to be felt, and acknowledged. When you feel them, they pass on the information they needed to, and their purpose is done.The next time you face a difficult situation and you try to talk yourself out of it, Breathe, Feel, Allow, and Release. I can tell you, it works.
*This is loosely based on the Kripalu guidance of Breathe, Relax, Feel, Watch, Allow.
Practice Opportunities
Day of Silence, 1 Day in person Retreat
Have you ever felt the power of silence?
Imagine taking a break from that voice inside your head. The one that doesn’t stop talking, judging, criticising, and nagging through your day.
What if there was just quiet?
What if you could take a break from your own thoughts?
What if you could find the space to breathe?
What if you could bring deep tranquility to your heart and mind?
Day of Silence is a 1 day silent yoga and meditation retreat to explore the power of silence. This 1 day retreat is set up to drop you slowly into silence. When the mind gets quiet, you feel grounded, settled, and at peace.
Silence doesn’t happen all at once. It happens gradually as you peel away the layers of tension, leaving you calm and comfortable in your body and mind.
When you practice yoga or meditation, you get quiet for a little while, but when you go back to your daily life, your thoughts come flooding back.
When you stop talking for longer periods of time, your mind becomes quiet. Your body becomes still, your mouth becomes still, and slowly your thoughts also become still.
Replace tight muscles and a stressed mind with deep contentment.
Day of Silence will take place July 13 from 9am-4pm.
Click this link for more information or to sign up!
Movement and Meditation, ongoing online class
Movement and Meditation, Mondays, 8-8:40am ET, online at Purple Room Yoga!
This all levels class offers 20 minutes of gentle yoga movement to wake up the body, stretch out and shake out stiffness, followed by 20 minutes of both guided and silent meditation. Regular students report that this is the best way to start the week! This class can also be taken on demand. Many students enjoy this class before bed as a way to let go of the day and prepare for sleep.
Click here to sign up for the live class, and here to check out the Video Library!
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