When You Feel the Beautiful Balance between Strength and Ease

Yamas and Niyamas, part 8: Tapas/ Discipline and Karuna/ Compassion

Thank you for joining this journey through the Yamas and Niyamas, the first 2 limbs of yoga. I am so grateful you are here! If you missed any of the previous 7 parts, scroll to the bottom, all the links are there for you.

What you practice on the mat is wisdom you can then take with you off the mat. Practicing strength and ease in your daily life involves both Tapas (Discipline/Self-Discipline) and Karuna (Compassion/Self-Compassion). Tapas is the 3rd Niyama. Karuna is neither a Yama nor a Niyama, but is an important principle nonetheless and I feel belongs in this particular conversation.

Tapas/ Discipline

Tapas is the discipline it takes to get things done. This could be what keeps you practicing yoga, going for a daily run, meditating, or getting off the couch and going to the grocery store. Some days you just don’t feel like it, yet you do it because of how it makes you feel, or because it needs to get done and there is no one else to do it.

You are not going to leap out of bed every day, excited to do all the things (I don’t leap out of bed, pretty much ever). It’s your Discipline that keeps you doing your self-care habits, or allows you to cultivate the habits in the first place. It’s what keeps you fed, clothed, and your bills paid. Lacking Self-Discipline is not a moral failing; Tapas is a practice that will add balance to your life, if practiced mindfully.

But, only practicing Discipline has its limitations. No one can be 100% disciplined (nor should you be), and will power is a limited commodity. That’s why so many New Year’s Resolutions fail. Unless you cultivate a meaningful habit (initially driven by discipline and will), you won’t stick to what your habit.

On the flip side, having too much discipline can end you in shame when you “fail” to complete whatever task you set out to complete. Eating a bag of cookies when you vowed to eliminate sugar from your diet sends you down a shame spiral that can be tough to get out of.

Karuna/Compassion

Here is where Compassion comes in. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. If you “screw up” in some way, you can always start over. So you skipped a day of exercise, start over. You had one day of regretful eating, start over. You stayed in bed all day, start over (or maybe you need to rest—more on that down below).

Start over with kindness toward yourself. Shame never motivated anyone, and never will. Find ease in your heart, and be gentle with yourself. So you took a break, so what? Begin again today. Or tomorrow. If it is meaningful to you, you’ll do it, and you’ll do it the best that you can, even if it’s not “perfect.”

If you are trying to cultivate a habit that feels good or is necessary for your health, be kind to yourself (remember Ahimsa/Non-Harming) and just start again. Kindness and compassion toward yourself will be more effective than calling yourself “lazy” and “worthless.” We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have.

Lazy is a word I have let go of in general. To me, “Lazy” is a judgment coming from the belief that productivity rules. “When you are not producing, you are being lazy.” I call bullshit. Sometimes you don’t produce because you feel tired, oh, so tired, and need to rest. Lying on the couch watching Netflix is not necessarily a lazy action, it might be a restorative action. Notice what your mind is telling you about when you choose to do nothing.

I give you permission to choose to do nothing sometimes (not that you need my permission. Or maybe you do. It’s yours if you need it).

Tapas can also be the discipline to rest.

As a self-identified Type A recovering perfectionist, busy has been my most effective numbing agent. Some people use alcohol, food, online shopping or other things to numb, I use busy (and food, and TV, and games on my phone). When you use busy as your way not to feel “all the things,” resting is the enemy. When you rest, all the feelings come flooding back in.

For some of us, it takes discipline to rest. I need to make myself go to sleep at night, even though I am tired. Feeling tired is another reason to numb, it’s an uncomfortable feeling. So is hungry, sad, bored, lonely, and others. Stress and anxiety are not the only reasons to stress eat, or numb in other ways. When you are used to numbing yourself, even “tired” can be a source of discomfort that is easier to numb than actually turn off the light and go to sleep.

I have a notification in my phone that goes off every night at 10pm that says “Turn it off, shut it down” to remind me to turn off my phone, stop doom scrolling and get to bed. When I am overtired, it doesn’t work. I just mark it as completed and go back to playing games on my phone. It takes Tapas to actually listen to myself (through my notification) and switch to my book. When I feel more regulated, I am able to do this. Once I get into a deficit, it’s much harder to make it happen.

I feel better with more sleep, and I sleep better turning off my screen at least 30 minutes before I turn off the lights for the night. For me, sleep is the key to making all the things in my life work. Making myself do it is the practice of Tapas.

Tapas and Karuna

Tapas isn’t easy for us mere mortals, but it helps to keep us regulated to the point of keeping ourselves healthy.

It takes discipline to eat for health, but if you aim for 80% of the time, you’re doing pretty well (compassion). 20% of the time you can have your Ben & Jerry’s and enjoy it.

It takes discipline to move your body regularly, but you don’t need to exercise every day; I find your body will tell you the right amount of movement for you.

As I said above, it takes discipline to get to bed on time, so set yourself up for the best night sleep possible.

Finding the balance between strength and ease, discipline and compassion is the sweet spot, and where you will find the most Santosha/ Contentment. Compassion takes the shame out of discipline. When you don’t hold to your own intentions, you can be kind and gentle with yourself, knowing that you are doing the best you can at this moment.

Previous Posts in the Series:

How to Move Toward Ease in 10 “Simple” Steps

Are Your Thoughts Harmful to Yourself and Others?

The Mind is a Liar. Only Your Gut Tells You the Truth

How We Steal From Ourselves When We Don’t Set Good Boundaries

How Do You Know When You Reach Enough?

Is Non-Attachment the Cure for Anxiety?

Feeling Stuck in Overwhelm? It Might Be Your Environment

Happiness is Temporary. Contentment is a Better Goal.

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