Why is Connection So Hard for Perfectionists?
Once upon a time…
As I was coming out of parenting really young children and was starting to have a moment to breathe, I noticed that I was craving connection. I felt alone in my marriage, and in general, and tried to figure out what to do.
I had always been shy (which may come as a surprise to many of you who know me in person), but this shyness was really a layer of my perfectionism. “Putting yourself out there” was risky, because what if I was rejected? When I was young, like elementary school aged, that was not something I could handle. I already felt not enough, this would just reinforce the “truth” that nobody wanted to play with me.
This was not true, I did have many friends with whom I’d play, but I was always hesitant to invite them over and would wait to be invited. The one time that I was brave enough to ask someone to play at my house, she was busy. That rejection initiated a shame spiral that was difficult for me to recover from at the time. It was many years before I stepped up again.
I became better at this as I got older, but only moderately so. I still never fully showed up as myself, often stuck in shame about not being who I thought other people thought I was. The world saw one side of me. She was professional and relatively confident, while inside I was messy, disorganized, and felt lost. But you’d never know, because no one ever saw that side. I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge that she existed.
I considered joining a church to feel a sense of community, but religion has never been my thing. When I hear the “G” word, I feel uncomfortable. One day I stumbled upon a Sunday meditation class that took place at the yoga studio where I taught. The teacher guided us through meditation, and afterward helped us process the experience though a wonderful discussion and Dharma talk. The more I got to know the people in the class (and there were plenty of regulars), the easier it was for me to open up. Just a smidge.
I mentioned one day about feeling disconnected, and craving connection with others. I was grateful for this community, this Sangha, but I still felt something missing. As my heart began to crack open with this regular meditation practice, I began noticing my stories: I wasn’t good enough, my feelings were too big, I was too much, I didn’t want to burden people with my “stuff,” and more.
By noticing the stories, I recognized them as stories, they were not the truth. As I let them go (which didn’t happen overnight), I realized that I could accept myself as I was and feel more connected to myself. Connecting to myself allowed me to connect more deeply to others. I set down the story that I must be perfect in order to be loveable and worthy, and set the intention to be good enough.
Embracing “Good Enoughness”
Embracing “good enoughness” was challenging at first, but got easier with practice. I found myself forgiving myself for having let a typo slip through on an email newsletter. Rather than agonizing over it for weeks, I felt uncomfortable for a few hours, then could let it go. Eventually I was only uncomfortable for a moment, and shortly after that, I didn’t care. I cared about doing my best and could let that be enough. Once I sent the email, it was out of my hands. No use stressing over it at this point because I no longer had any control.
Letting go of perfectionism, among other unskillful coping strategies I had accumulated over my life, allowed me to show up fully as my messy, imperfect self. The more I showed up, the more I found my people. These people love and accept me for who I am, and I feel that connection with them and myself.
Brene Brown describes perfectionism as a 20 ton shield. She defines it as “a self-destructive and addictive belief that fuels the primary thought: if I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.”
What it also does is keep us from truly connecting to other people, as it keeps everyone at arm’s length. Part of avoiding these uncomfortable feelings is also avoiding true connection, with yourself and others. You can’t avoid some feelings without avoiding all the feelings. You are left feeling numb, empty, and alone.
In order to feel fully loved and accepted, you need to show your true self to another person. Connection requires vulnerability, and you can’t be vulnerable if you feel you have to be perfect. The perfectionist mask you wear prevents vulnerability. Not everyone deserves to see your true self, but if you seek connection in friendships and relationships, you need to connect to yourself first.
Some things to keep in mind:
- Accepting yourself for who you are and loving yourself fully needs to happen first. It is the most important step.
- Your flaws might be your best quality and what make you, you. Embrace your idiosyncrasies; we’re all weird and wonderful, and it’s all good.
- Someone who loves you for being you doesn’t see your flaws as flaws. That might be another person, that person can also be you.
- There is no “normal.” Normal is something that people strive for when they are trying to conform and fit in. To truly belong, you need to be you, fully and completely. One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is “if you are always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you can be.”
None of this is easy, and it takes time, work, and probably some ugly crying (I did so much ugly crying). But if you crave connection, it is essential to start by connecting to and seeing yourself just as you are.
Even us introverts need connection, sometimes even more than extroverts. It is the deep connection with others, often one on one, that keeps us from receding into ourselves. That has been my experience anyway.
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