How We Steal from Ourselves When We Don’t Set Good Boundaries
Yamas and Niyamas part 3: Asteya/Non-Stealing
Welcome to part 3 of this 10 week exploration of Yoga off the Mat! If you’ve missed the first 2 installments (plus the intro), they are available for you at the bottom, just scroll down. To make sure you don’t miss a post, subscribe on Substack!
I used to be terrible with boundaries. I didn’t have good models for what healthy boundaries looked like, I had to figure it all out on my own (unskillfully). I’m still not great, but definitely improving. My biggest shift came when I decided that my needs were just as important as everyone else’s. This was not always the case. I used to put my needs last.
I’ve always been a great listener, probably because of my introverted nature. Throughout my life, people have found it easy to talk to me, share their troubles, share their stories, share of themselves. Often it was very one sided. They would talk to me, but I wouldn’t get to share in return unless they were asking me for advice.
This is fine in a clinical setting, like my acupuncture office, where people pay me to listen to them. That’s how I help. This is my job and I love that aspect of it! Some people are self- conscious about the one sided nature of that relationship and often ask about me. Of course our time together is not about me, but about them. I will often redirect in that case.
Friendships, however, are a different story. I had a lot of one sided friendships when I was younger. This was partly because I was shy and afraid to share myself, and partly because I was friends with lots of extroverted people who liked to talk. A lot. They talked, I listened. It worked for them, and I felt included and appreciated, but after a while, it stopped working for me.
This imbalance wore on me, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I allowed them to steal my time and my energy, without feeling like I could stop it or say no. If I spoke up, would they not want to be friends with me anymore? Would I be burdening them with my problems? Would they even care about what was happening in my life?
Stories I was telling myself
You can see some of the stories I was telling myself back then.
- I am only worthy of this friendship because I am a good listener.
- I am a burden to others so have to keep my needs to myself
- If I talk too much, they are not going to like me. I should just stay quiet.
- They would not like me if they knew the real me. I’ll just keep being who I think they want me to be.
In these situations, I was allowing them to steal my time and energy. Asteya, the 3rd Yama, is the principle of Non-Stealing. I was not practicing Asteya, and neither were they, but I only have control over me.
Asteya goes beyond “thou shalt not steal.” While obviously you shouldn’t take things that don’t belong to you, Asteya goes beyond just material items. It applies energetically too, on the level of boundaries.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are standards that we set for ourselves and others in terms of what behavior we will tolerate, and what behavior we won’t tolerate. While we expect others to uphold our boundaries when we ask them to, it is really up to us to hold to them when they are tested. We need to prevent others from stealing from us, rather than rely on others to behave in the way we want.
If I said to a friend, “please don’t call me when I am at work” and then they call me when I am at work, the friend isn’t respecting my boundary. If I answer the phone, I am not respecting my boundary either. I can hold my boundary by NOT answering my phone. You can’t control other people, you can only control yourself. Just because the friend calls, doesn’t mean you have to abandon yourself and answer.
This is practicing Asteya. I am not allowing someone else to steal my time and energy when they ignore the clear boundary that I set. If I answer the phone, that is me allowing them to steal from me, and I will most likely feel resentful, both during and after the phone call. They will further steal from me because now they are living in my head as I rehash how frustrating it was that they didn’t listen to my simple request. They stole my time at work, and then continued to steal my time while I was stewing in my resentment.
I feel resentment because I have abandoned myself. Practicing Asteya, is also practicing Ahimsa (non-harming, Yama #1). Resentment is harming my spirit. If I keep my boundary, I don’t feel resentment because I am showing myself kindness, respect, and love. Resentment is your clue that you’ve abandoned yourself.
Practicing Asteya
Asteya is within my control. It is up to me to uphold my boundaries because when I don’t, I allow people to steal from me. I can make requests from others, but only they can control themselves.
Other examples of setting and holding boundaries:
- “Please don’t bring junk food into the house. If you bring it in, I will throw it in the garbage.” If they bring it in, you need to uphold your end by throwing it away.
- “Please don’t schedule appointments for me between 12-1pm. That is space set aside for me.” If someone schedules something during that time, you can cancel it, and/or reschedule for another time.
- “Please don’t leave your socks on the floor, instead, please put them in the hamper. If you leave them on the floor, I will throw them away, and it’s up to you to pay for new ones.” Anyone else have teenagers?
You get the idea. Boundaries are “this behavior is okay, this behavior is not okay.” You can ask the people in your life to respect them, but YOU are responsible for holding them. If you don’t hold your boundaries, you’ll know by how resentful you feel.
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist who has great explanations about how to set and hold boundaries. She explains things simply and concretely. She wrote the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, which I highly recommend if you find setting and keeping boundaries confusing and challenging.
It’s tough, especially if you have people pleasing tendencies. Just remember, although people may not like your boundaries (especially if they are not used to you setting them), you do no need to put up with bad behavior from other people. You are in charge of you, and deserve to be treated the way you treat others.
Stealing in general
Stealing is something we’re taught not to do from a very early age. Taking something that doesn’t belong to you, whether a material item or something else, doesn’t feel good to either the stealer or the stealee. You might be unaware that you are stealing from someone else, but noticing someone else’s response toward you could be your first clue.
Taking what doesn’t belong to you could be walking into someone else’s office and just talking to them without asking if they are free. It might mean giving someone a hug or a kiss without asking their consent.
Consent, like boundaries, is a way to say, “yes, I am open to this interaction” or “no, I am not open to this interaction.” I didn’t grow up with the concept of consent, but I feel like the younger generations are much more adept with this. Practice noticing, when interacting with another person, what is okay and what is not okay with how you interact with them and how they interact with you. Practicing Asteya will help you feel more at ease in your body and mind, knowing that you have the final say.
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